


The Night Before Ilos

by Penthesilea1623



Series: Come Back Home [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Sexual Content, Smutlet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:10:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penthesilea1623/pseuds/Penthesilea1623
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A more detailed telling of the night Kaidan and Shepard shared before Ilos, as well as a brief conversation at Huerta Memorial three years later. And sex. Lots of sex. And just a little bit of jello.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Night Before Ilos

**Author's Note:**

> A stand alone piece from a yet to be written multi-chapter Kaidan/fshep work.

_The Normandy SR1_  
 _2183 CE_

“You’re right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going, everything, even the Reapers will come around again. You and I. We are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard. You make me feel.” He hesitates, trying desperately to explain what she means to him, all their talks, all she’s done, all she’s said to him when he told her about Vyrnus and Rhana, about being a biotic and an L2 biotic at that. “Human. You make me feel human.”

Her heart catches in her throat. They’re still not touching, but he’s moved close enough that their faces are only inches apart. Please, she thinks. Oh, please let me have this. “Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me.” It comes out as more of a demand than she intended.

He raises one eyebrow, and small smile curves his lips. “Is that an order, Commander?” 

She actually blushes. The great Commander Shepard. ‘The Goddess’, as she’s been christened in the past for her aloof, unruffled, almost regal demeanor. 

“Just shut up and come here.” She says, embarrassed that even now, at a moment like this, she can’t leave Commander Shepard behind. 

He laughs. “Careful Shepard. I may think that you’re abusing your authority.” His voice is huskier than usual and his eyes are warm. “That would be a serious breach of protocol.”

She’s pretty sure she lunges first, but he is right there meeting her when she does. She almost sobs with relief when they finally kiss, at the feel of his lips, at the taste of him. They frantically run their hands over each other, grasping, pulling, holding, barely letting go long enough to pull off each other’s clothing. Neither of them speaks, as though if they speak they’ll talk themselves out of what it is they’re about to do, and neither of them wants that. After all those months of dancing around it, of worrying about regs, about fraternization, about the effect it might have on the crew, they finally just let themselves feel and want, and, dear God, just have.

The first time is fast and hard and explosive and strangely quiet. Neither of them speaks. Neither of them has the time for, or the need of foreplay. All either of them wants is that joining, just the feel of him inside her, filling her, stretching her, and the feel of her tight and hot around him. Just that is so much more than enough. It’s been so long for both of them. So long that they’ve wanted to make love with each other, so long since either of them has made love to anyone else. He pounds into her, and she meets his every thrust. There’s nothing gentle about it and she dimly wonders if she’ll have bruises tomorrow where his hand is clutching at her hip, fingers digging into her skin. She wraps her long legs around his waist, letting him go even deeper inside her. She moans as he does, and he lets out a curse of “Jesus, Shepard.” He wants nothing more than to come, but he won’t, not until he’s certain that she has too, and then with a hoarse cry that may be the sexiest thing he’s ever heard, her hands clutch at his back, and he’s dimly aware of her nails digging into his skin, leaving scratches that he’ll have to explain somehow, back in the crews quarters, but right now he doesn’t care, and then she’s grabbing at him, frantically, as if he’s her only anchor, and her slick heat is tightening around his cock, and with one, two, finally, three more thrusts, he's coming inside her, coming harder than he’s ever come before, and he collapses on top of her, with her arms and legs still wrapped around him, like she can’t bear to let go of him.

They lie there, covered in sweat, the only sound their ragged breathing, still clutching each other, still not talking.

The talking comes later.

They’re lying on their sides, faces inches apart, sharing the same pillow just looking each other in the dim blue light from her console.

He’s never wanted anyone like this. Not just her body, but everything. Every memory, every thought, every feeling. He wants all of her. Every bit.

“Tell me something about you. Something no one else knows. Something secret.” His voice is low, barely more than a whisper.

She looks at him with those ocean eyes. It had taken him forever to figure out what color her eyes were. They seemed a different color every time he looked; blue, grey, turquoise. It was only when they landed on Virmire, when they were surrounded by all that water, that he realized it: her eyes are every color of the ocean. 

She twines her fingers through the hand he has lying on the pillow between them. “I like green jello.” She says, her voice just as soft as his.

He smiles at her, that crooked little grin that made her heart skip a beat the very first time she saw it. “No one likes green jello, Shepard.”

“That’s why it’s a secret.” She says with a lazy smile that takes his breath away. She leans in and brushes her lips against his, more of a touch than a kiss, as if she’s using her lips rather than her hands to feel his skin. When he tries to increase the contact, she pulls back again.

“I like being naked. If I didn’t have to, I’d never wear clothes.” She lifts his hand and slides her mouth over his index finger sucking lightly.

He shivers. “Tell me something else.” 

She lets his finger slide out of her mouth. “I once kissed a boy for a chocolate bar.” She moves on to the next finger. Warm lips, gently tugging, her tongue swirling lightly. Again she lets it slide slowly free.

His breath is coming a little faster. “How old were you?”

“Fourteen.” 

“How old was he?”

“The same.”

He takes a moment to pity this nameless boy who’d been captured by Shepard at such a young age. “Did you kiss him again?”

“Uh huh.” She smiles at him, catlike. “But not for a chocolate bar. Just because I wanted to.”

“Tell me another.” He orders.

Her eyes search his face, and she looks suddenly serious, and just the smallest bit scared. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” She whispers. 

_You’re a romantic_ , she’d told him during one of their conversations, _you still believe in the dream_.

She’d believed once, but she’d stopped when those Batarians had attacked Mindoir, when her whole family had been slaughtered.

Kaidan still believes. He’s an idealist. He believes the rules are there to protect. He believes that good will always triumph over bad. He believes in humanity. The others tease him about it, calling him a Boy Scout, but she admires it. She envies it. It’s been so long since she’s felt anything close to that. Finding him…it’s like she’s suddenly discovered that yes, there is an Easter Bunny and a tooth fairy and Santa Claus, all the things that she knows can’t possibly be real, are real, after all. 

Kaidan still believes in all of it. He lives by it.

And he believes in her the same way. How could she not fall in love with him? 

He’s everything good, and noble, and hopeful. He still believes, and when she listens to him, she can remember believing in things that were proved false on Mindoir, and at Elysium, and on Eden Prime and Virmire. Even after everything he went through as a boy in BAaT, he still manages to believe it, when she had given up so long ago. 

His belief is so much stronger than hers. When she’s with him she thinks that maybe she can let herself believe again.

He’s staring at her, stunned by what she’s said. Her eyes are huge and dark and… vulnerable.

That shocks him more than anything. He’s never seen Shepard vulnerable before. She’s survived a Batarian slaver raid, and Elysium. He’s seen her wounded and bleeding. He’s seen her after Jenkins and after Ash, but he’s never seen her look vulnerable until right now, lying naked next to him, telling him she might being falling in love with him.

He stares at her, dumbfounded, and then opens his mouth to speak, to answer, to question, and she stops him by pressing her mouth to his. 

“Shepard…” He manages to get out.

She lays her fingers on his mouth. “Shhh…” she whispers, and presses her mouth to his again. “Don’t say anything. Just be here. Just stay with me.” 

His eyes search her face. She seems to be pleading, for what he’s not sure, so he simply nods and brushes her hair back from her face. “For as long as you want me.” He says. It’s a lie. He’ll never leave her, whether she wants him to or not.

She looks relieved, and grateful that he didn’t press the issue and she suddenly pushes him onto his back and straddles him, and leaning forward she kisses him again, and her long straight dark hair falls forward like a curtain around them. That beautiful hair, that’s always pulled back into a tight twist or bun, with never a hair escaping from it. He’d fantasized about pulling out the pins and seeing what it looked like released, and when he finally had he was amazed at how the sight of it dispelled the myth of Commander Shepard, the Goddess, the perfect no nonsense soldier who had been in all the vids after Elysium, once and for all. 

Her mouth moves from his lips, to his neck, trailing to and then nipping gently at his collarbone. He reaches up for her, but she catches his hands in hers, lacing their fingers together and pushing his hands back so she has them trapped against the mattress on either side of his head. She stays like that for a minute, looking down at him, drinking in the sight of him. 

He can’t help a small smile at the expression on her face. “You look like you want to devour me.”

“Mmmm.” She agrees, with a smile of her own.

“Like a chocolate bar.” He teases.

“Like green jello.” She counters.

“Eww.” He says, making a face.

She just laughs, and bends over to kiss him again, before her lips travel down his throat to his chest, and then continue down. She pauses briefly at his nipples teasing first one, and then the other, licking and nipping lightly with her teeth, her lips curving as she feels him growing hard against her stomach. Abruptly, she lets go of his hands, and slides down so she’s lying between his legs, her face is level with his cock. She rubs the side of her face against him, and exhales, her breath hot against the length of him. 

He jerks uncontrollably. “Christ, Shepard.” He moans. He moans again, even louder, as she takes him in her hand and her lips slide around him, hot and firm and wet and perfect. His hand crushes the pillow beside his head as her tongue teases the slit at the end, before she takes him deep into her mouth, sucking him, her tongue seeming to be everywhere around him. He lifts his head and looks down at her, and as if she can feel his eyes on her she looks up at him, and the sight of her there, Commander Shepard, her hair wild around her, her mouth wrapped around his cock -- he’s never seen anything so sexy in his life. 

Heat flares in her eyes as she sees how he looks at her, and she suddenly takes him deeper in her mouth, as if she’d swallow him whole, and he can feel himself brushing against the back of her throat and then she does swallow and...

“Oh God, Shepard, stop, please.”

She pulls off, and looks up at him, her eyes uncertain. “Was I too rough?” She asks. 

He reaches down and pulls her up into his arms and kisses her. “No, not too rough.” He says and kisses her again. “Too good. You keep doing that and I’ll never last.”

She smiles then, and though it’s hard to tell in the dimly lit room, he could swear she blushes. “Is that bad?” She whispers running her finger against his mouth.

“No. But tonight I want to be inside you when I come. I want to feel you come around me.”

She’s definitely blushing now and she buries her face in his neck. “Yes.” She agrees.

He rolls to his back again, pulling her with him so she straddles him, and he pulls her forward, so her breasts dangle enticingly near his mouth. He lifts his hands to cup them gently. They’re larger than he’d imagined, a tribute to the restrictive properties of regulation Alliance brassieres. “You have the most perfect breasts.” He says thickly. 

“They’re too big.” She complains

“No.” He says. “They’re perfect.” She should have been a pinup girl from the Golden Age of Hollywood back in the 20th century. Ava Gardner or Rita Hayworth. Lush and ripe and just oozing sexuality. He brushes his thumbs against her nipples watching them harden into tight nubs and she arches into his touch. He pulls her closer and catches one in his mouth and tugs gently, still caressing the other with his fingers. He doesn’t stop suckling as his other hand travels down her back, over her ass, and slides gently between her legs. She gives a gasp as his fingers trail over her.

She’s dripping wet.

For him.

He slides a finger into her and she thrusts back against it, and he suddenly has to taste her. He pulls his hand away, and releases her nipple, and she gives a little whimper of protest.

“Move up.” He urges, as he slides down. 

For a moment she looks confused, and then as he moves her so her legs are on either side of him, she understands. He takes hold of her hips and pulls her down so she straddles his face, his mouth between her thighs, his tongue swirling around her and thrusting inside her, and her legs start to shake. She leans forward, groping for the headboard just to keep herself upright. She can’t help grinding herself against him and he gives a growl of approval that vibrates through her and suddenly she’s coming so hard that she sees stars, and it’s only the fear that someone outside her cabin, might hear her that keeps her from screaming out loud, though she has to stuff her hand in her mouth to keep it from happening.

Kaidan grabs her hips, holding her firmly in place as she writhes against him. When she finally stills, and then collapses, grasping the headboard with both hands, he gives her clit one last swipe with his tongue and quickly slides from between her legs, and moves behind her, tugging her back from the headboard, so that she falls to her elbows, her perfect ass still raised high, as if she were presenting herself to him.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been this hard. He runs both his hands down her sides, to her waist and then to her hips and she presses back into his touch, and his erection rubs between the cheeks of her ass, and they both moan.

She rests her forehead against her bent arms, feeling shaky and still tingling and throbbing from the pleasure he’s brought her. She moves her hips so that she rubs against him again, feeling the hard length of him, now coated in her own slick wetness, sliding against her. “Please…” She pleads, as she continues to move.

It’s all the invitation he needs, and he takes himself in his hand and positions himself at her entrance and pushes slowly inside her, feeling her stretch around him, hot and tight, and even wetter than before.

He’s moving too slowly for her and she pushes back against him, hard and sudden, and when she’s flush up against him she rotates her hips and they both gasp at the pleasure of the movement.

It’s good, so good, and he knows he’s not going to be able to last long. He reaches around her, between her legs, and strokes her until she’s trembling again and this time she does cry out when she comes, but she can’t seem to make herself care.

The sound is all he needs, and he moves the hand that’s been caressing her back to her hip, and holding her firmly between his hands, he lets go and slams into her, letting himself forget about being gentle, or careful, or quiet, thrusting so hard that it’s all she can do to stay on her knees, and miraculously she feels that pressure build again, until it explodes, and her knees finally give out from under her, and she falls forward, and he’s still pounding into her, until with a groan that’s almost a roar he collapses on top of her, and they both lie there unable to move. 

When he finally can move again, he rolls off of her and onto his back and reaching over and he pulls her to him. She curls into his side, and he strokes her hair as she falls asleep without speaking another word.

In a few hours they’ll be at Ilos, and who knows what will happen then. But Ilos, and regs, and fraternization seem unimportant right now. All that matters is that she’s in his arms. After they’ve dealt with Saren and Sovereign they’ll find a way to make things work. A way to be together. Anything else is unacceptable. He holds her a little closer and lets himself drift off to sleep.

 

 

_Huerta Memorial Hospital_  
 _The Citadel_  
 _2186 CE_

 

They’ve been talking for a while now, Kaidan lying in his hospital bed, Shepard on an incredibly uncomfortable stool at his side. She almost left once, to do the thousand and one things she needs to do before heading to Tuchanka, but she couldn’t bear to leave him, and turned back, coming up with more questions to ask him. She needs to be near him, needs to see for herself that he’s going to make it after the Illusive Man ordered him killed, an action she knows was chosen to cause her the most pain possible. A punishment for destroying the Collector base. For that alone she wants The Illusive Man dead more than ever. 

But finally, she’s run out of things to say, of plausible reasons to stay. “I should probably get going.” She says. She doesn't want to.

There’s a hint of something in his eyes. Disappointment? Regret? She can’t tell. But she can’t leave with this uncertainty.

“Are we going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon?” She suddenly bursts out.

He watches her for a minute before he replies. “I’d like to Shepard. As friends. As more than friends.” He adds, and her heart skips a beat. His eyes are warm as he says simply. “I just like having you in my life.”

Her heart is pounding now. “So how do we fix it?” She asks. Please let there be a way to fix it.

He doesn’t take his eyes from her. “Maybe you should just know that I’m not seeing anyone. And that I still care.”

She’s afraid if she moves or says the wrong thing or does anything, that she’ll wake up, or he’ll change his mind, and all she can manage to say is, “Kaidan…”

She looks frightened, but he’s not sure by what. He doesn’t want to pressure her. Lying here in this hospital bed, all he’s been able to think about is getting her back. He’s lost almost three years with her. He doesn’t want to frighten her away now by pushing too hard. “Hey.” He says softly. “Look, there’s a war on, and maybe you and me will never happen, but I needed you to know that. Because that’s how we’ll get past Horizon.”

She nods, still not certain of where they stand. “I should go.” She finally says.

He had hoped she’d say something back, anything that might give him some clue as to what she was feeling. There had been that tantalizing hint on Mars: _Cerberus didn't change me, or how I feel about you._ , but he’s beginning to think he must have imagined it, that it was just a side effect of his implant getting rattled. “Yeah. Thanks for coming by.” He says, trying to keep it light.

To his surprise she droops a little bit at his easy dismissal, but she quickly straightens up and he sees the mask slip into place. Commander Shepard. The Goddess. She gives him one of those cool, apparently serene smiles, the smile she uses at functions, at press conferences, the one that she puts on when she's uncertain, and nervous and scared of being hurt. He saw it on Horizon and failed to recognize it for what it was. He had thought it to mean that she didn't care, that she was with Cerberus, that she'd left him on purpose. He knows differently now 

Don’t let her leave like this, his brain screams, and he tries desperately to think of something, anything to prevent it. His eye lands on his snack tray and a smile comes to his face.

“Hey, Shepard.” He calls out just as she reaches the door. 

She turns, and he can see the hope in her eyes, sees the Goddess mask disappear as she comes quickly back to his side.

“You missed snacktime, which is probably a good thing.” He says.

She stares at him, confused by his words, tense, scared that he doesn’t trust her, doesn’t believe in her, doesn’t want her. That’s she’s foolish to even hope.

“I thought you might like this, though.” He reaches to the tray that has been pushed to the side of the bed and hands her something.

She looks down. A foil topped container of green jello. 

She looks at it in surprise. And slowly, almost reluctantly, she looks up at him. His eyes are fixed on her and suddenly she knows that both of them are thinking of that night before Ilos, remembering every touch and every whisper, and she stares for a moment wanting to be certain that what she’s seeing in his eyes is really there. She lets herself smile then, a real smile this time, he notes with satisfaction. 

“Thanks, Kaidan.” She says softly.

He smiles back, that little crooked smile that she loves so much.

Before she has time to think about it, to decide if it’s the right thing to do or the smart thing to do, she leans over and kisses him on the mouth, curving one hand carefully around his neck, being careful not to jostle his implant. She intended it to be just a quick kiss but the first touch of her lips on his, the first taste of him is so familiar, so wanted, so utterly necessary that she lingers, running her tongue lightly across his lips, deepening the kiss, hoping beyond hope that this won’t be the last time she gets to do this, but taking her time and savoring the taste of him, just in case it is.

Eventually, reluctantly, she pulls back and lets her hand slip away from his neck. 

She looks solemnly at him, and he tries desperately to read her expression. He tries to speak and has to pause to swallow, and run his tongue over his lips before he can. “Was the kiss for the jello?” He asks, barely daring to hope.

She looks at him, and shakes her head, stroking her hand down the side of his face. “No." She whispers. "Just because I wanted to.” 

And before he can say anything else she’s run out the door, into the hospital corridor and out of sight, still clutching the jello in her hand. 

A smile curves his lips as he leans back on his pillow, and for the first time since she came back from the dead, for the first time since the bad dream that was Horizon, he believes that maybe, just maybe, in spite of everything, Cerberus, and Horizon and the Reapers trying to tear the Galaxy apart, just maybe the two of them will have a chance at everything he’s dreamed of.

**Author's Note:**

> Mass Effect ramblings and face/style/location photos can be found on my tumblr [Come Back Home inspiration/style references](http://penthesilea1623.tumblr.com/search/Come+Back+Home)


End file.
